Thursday, July 29, 2010

Top 100 napping tips


We were tired today so we made a list of napping strategies. They will work if you believe. I must confess I am an immortal sleep wizard with extraordinary knowledge of these things, so trust me. Nighty nighty darlings.

H+J


Top 100 napping tips

1) Get comfy in bed.

2) Use lots of pillows.

3) Make sure there is not a draft.

4) Wear a t-shirt.

5) Get your cat to snuggle with your feet.

6) Finds human snuggle partner…but don’t have sex.

7) Drink some herbal tea.

8) Get some booze in your system.

9) Watch something boring.

10) Try to read the Bible.

11) Contact the sandman.

12) Give a homeless man five dollars and a sandwich to stroke you til you fall asleep.

13) Run around a lot until you collapse and sleep.

14) Go into the forest.

15) Pot.

16) Stop eating so much damn candy.

17) Beecome comfortable numb.

18) Masturbation sometimes helps.

19) Imagine climbing a mountain.

20) Pretend you are in an airplane.

21) Do some yoga.

22) Eat a roast.

23) Call an old person and ask them a question. The stories will be long and sad.

24) Frustrate your own attempts to be a better person.

25) Engage in some hard physical labor like hammering or moving heavy boxes. Rocks will also do.

26) Run around in all that corn.

27) Be the dungeon master.

28) Have a staring contest with a stone elephant.

29) Turn on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

30) Get fancy.

31) Why not try a lavender candle?

32) Murder the gardner…together…forever.

33) If you aren’t dancing, it’s not working.

34) Find a psychic.

35) Cancel everything, then recommit.

36) Gargoyle.

37) Have some water.

38) Get all soapy and roll around in the bathtub for a while.

39) Rub you face on someone.

40) Go into a trancelike state.

41) Sing to yourself…softly.

42) Whisper a poem to the air.

43) Scream as loud as you fucking can for as long as you fucking dare.

44) Write a list.

45) Try this: Stand up, then sit down, then lie down, then roll over, then kick your feet around, then roll over, then sit up, then lie down again, then tighten your buttocks, then pound your fists, then rock yourself from side to side, then you should fall right to sleep or else.

46) Or try this:









47) ;);)

48) If it’s not too much trouble, run some errands for your neighbors.

49) Make me some tea.

50) Tell us how these tips worked.

51) Listen to someone complain.

52) Study a chart.

53) Can you use a pogo stick?

54) Make it sexy.

55) Buy some fruit or a single roll and then return it immediately for the bonus refund they offer.

56) Dance your pants off.

57) Let loose a raccoon in the house then chase it all around with a broom for a while.

58) Vacuum.

59) Flap your arms.

60) Doom.

61) Use all the staples.

62) Roll them hips.

63) Fill out paperwork.

64) Jump on the bed.

65) Practice healthy self-hatred.

66) Make some chili.

67) Remember: you are the boss of your brain.

68) Make a froggy using paper.

69) Delete your embarrassing photos.

70) Post a comment on everyone’s wall.

71) Cross dress.

72) Practice anger management.

73) Kegels.

74) If you drool while you sleep, start early.

75) Access the key.

76) Riddle me this.

77) Pronounce things like an Englishman….or if you’re English, pronounce things like an American. Say margarine or aluminum.

78) Stay calm.

79) Stay frosty.

80) Push the button!

81) Pecky pecky.

82) Pretend like you are on Oprah while you watch the show.

83) Dress up like a clown and scare yourself.

84) It’s elementary.

85) Soothing sounds for soothing moments.

86) Anal beads.

87) NO!

88) Fix your car.

89) Don’t be a bitch.

90) Cram too many marshmallows in your mouth and go door knocking.

91) Higgledy piggledy.

92) Quietly do everything.

93) Tell everyone about your favorite show.

94) Clog the toilet….forever.

95) Makes a diorama of you sleeping.

96) Don’t get caught.

97) Eat capers with tweazers.

98) Pickle your pickles.

99) Cry silently to yourself.

100) Go back to bed.

100 imaginary names for candy that would be awesome


What if there were more candies? Wouldn't that be nice? Yes. So we made some, with our minds...
J and I are good at making lists, so we made a list of the best names for candies that don't exist...yet. Can you help us make them? Your descriptions, depictions, etc. are greatly desired. Beyond measure.
Thanks darlings and here is our list.

H+J

100 imaginary names for candy that would be awesome
1) Wackadoodles
2) Famous mister magnums magic doo doo pies
3) Lil’ frankies
4) Crazy jamesies
5) Flaming arrows
6) Strawrberry gwuitars
7) Monkey magnets
8) Potato pushers
9) Flavor diamonds
10) Gurgle gurgle
11) Sugar burritos
12) Apeholes
13) Tiny titters
14) They will make you scream.
15) Shards of glass.
16) Alky tobaccy
17) It’s actually cocaine.
18) Blasphemous humors.
19) Benign tumor bites
20) Snicky wicky
21) Butterscotch spoons
22) Diabetes dumplings
23) Cunniyumos
24) Duggin fer guld
25) Happy prospectors
26) Some kind of sqeasel
27) Sweet mammaries
28) Kitten milk
29) Leprechaum logs
30) Glucose train wreck
31) dancing with snappers
32) go in the forest
33) ANGER
34) Rumple pops
35) Spanking suckers
36) Give me your money
37) The pain game
38) Fuck off! I’m eating this candy
39) Laugh yourself stupid
40) Piss midgets
41) Astrologer’s delight
42) Genghis flan
43) Truffle minivans
44) Marshmallow horsies
45) Beknighted whoremongers
46) Caramel capons
47) Delishubots
48) Sweet sweet sweet sorrow
49) Hell is Real.
50) Eldritch ichors
51) Freak babies
52) Stick your dick in it
53) Queen of the hoppies
54) Laboratory mistakes
55) Little buggies
56) Carpet fuzz
57) Stuff you dropped on the floor
58) Indigestibles
59) Made in the ocean
60) Prisons of your own making
61) Call me festus
62) Tojam and ham maam
63) Constantly chocolate
64) Rainbows of love
65) Rabies pellets
66) Not for human consumption
67) Made by elf faeries
68) Do-it-yourself-flavors
69) Between the sheets
70) Happy Scotsmen
71) Spanglish flingers
72) Choco compost
73) Time erasers
74) Disco doughnuts
75) Melty melty
76) Finger dippers
77) Wasabi watermelon delight
78) Baby shakers
79) Dung dots
80) Creamy white stuff
81) Orangutangs
82) Sweet sweet creatures
83) Demon grasshoppers
84) Gregorian gobstoppers
85) Jumpin Jordan Jelly beans
86) Happy sunshine
87) Wolf hair
88) It’s pencil shavings
89) Don’t cry little one.
90) The Tits.
91) Gimpios
92) Assmasters
93) I do not want this…much sugar.
94) Mystery poop.
95) Giggle goblins
96) Gloobies
97) Tomato Soup
98) Wank paste
99) Human pretzels
100) Snuggle dumplins’