We were tired today so we made a list of napping strategies. They will work if you believe. I must confess I am an immortal sleep wizard with extraordinary knowledge of these things, so trust me. Nighty nighty darlings.
H+J
Top 100 napping tips
1) Get comfy in bed.
2) Use lots of pillows.
3) Make sure there is not a draft.
4) Wear a t-shirt.
5) Get your cat to snuggle with your feet.
6) Finds human snuggle partner…but don’t have sex.
7) Drink some herbal tea.
8) Get some booze in your system.
9) Watch something boring.
10) Try to read the Bible.
11) Contact the sandman.
12) Give a homeless man five dollars and a sandwich to stroke you til you fall asleep.
13) Run around a lot until you collapse and sleep.
14) Go into the forest.
15) Pot.
16) Stop eating so much damn candy.
17) Beecome comfortable numb.
18) Masturbation sometimes helps.
19) Imagine climbing a mountain.
20) Pretend you are in an airplane.
21) Do some yoga.
22) Eat a roast.
23) Call an old person and ask them a question. The stories will be long and sad.
24) Frustrate your own attempts to be a better person.
25) Engage in some hard physical labor like hammering or moving heavy boxes. Rocks will also do.
26) Run around in all that corn.
27) Be the dungeon master.
28) Have a staring contest with a stone elephant.
29) Turn on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
30) Get fancy.
31) Why not try a lavender candle?
32) Murder the gardner…together…forever.
33) If you aren’t dancing, it’s not working.
34) Find a psychic.
35) Cancel everything, then recommit.
36) Gargoyle.
37) Have some water.
38) Get all soapy and roll around in the bathtub for a while.
39) Rub you face on someone.
40) Go into a trancelike state.
41) Sing to yourself…softly.
42) Whisper a poem to the air.
43) Scream as loud as you fucking can for as long as you fucking dare.
44) Write a list.
45) Try this: Stand up, then sit down, then lie down, then roll over, then kick your feet around, then roll over, then sit up, then lie down again, then tighten your buttocks, then pound your fists, then rock yourself from side to side, then you should fall right to sleep or else.
46) Or try this:
47) ;);)
48) If it’s not too much trouble, run some errands for your neighbors.
49) Make me some tea.
50) Tell us how these tips worked.
51) Listen to someone complain.
52) Study a chart.
53) Can you use a pogo stick?
54) Make it sexy.
55) Buy some fruit or a single roll and then return it immediately for the bonus refund they offer.
56) Dance your pants off.
57) Let loose a raccoon in the house then chase it all around with a broom for a while.
58) Vacuum.
59) Flap your arms.
60) Doom.
61) Use all the staples.
62) Roll them hips.
63) Fill out paperwork.
64) Jump on the bed.
65) Practice healthy self-hatred.
66) Make some chili.
67) Remember: you are the boss of your brain.
68) Make a froggy using paper.
69) Delete your embarrassing photos.
70) Post a comment on everyone’s wall.
71) Cross dress.
72) Practice anger management.
73) Kegels.
74) If you drool while you sleep, start early.
75) Access the key.
76) Riddle me this.
77) Pronounce things like an Englishman….or if you’re English, pronounce things like an American. Say margarine or aluminum.
78) Stay calm.
79) Stay frosty.
80) Push the button!
81) Pecky pecky.
82) Pretend like you are on Oprah while you watch the show.
83) Dress up like a clown and scare yourself.
84) It’s elementary.
85) Soothing sounds for soothing moments.
86) Anal beads.
87) NO!
88) Fix your car.
89) Don’t be a bitch.
90) Cram too many marshmallows in your mouth and go door knocking.
91) Higgledy piggledy.
92) Quietly do everything.
93) Tell everyone about your favorite show.
94) Clog the toilet….forever.
95) Makes a diorama of you sleeping.
96) Don’t get caught.
97) Eat capers with tweazers.
98) Pickle your pickles.
99) Cry silently to yourself.
100) Go back to bed.